Scott Schimmel 0:20
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The YouSchool podcast. I'm Scott Schimmel. And today we're going to talk about the life support the essential relationships that every single kid needs to grow up. Well, now, it goes without saying that every single kid needs to have a supportive, loving, safe family. And one key point, we're not going to go into that much on this episode. But one key point that we've covered in other episodes, and I'll try to link to this would be that every kid from a family perspective, it really helps them to know where they come from. It really helps them to understand the story, that narrative of where they come from it meaning, the good, the bad, and the ugly. There's good research that kids who know where they come from, even if it is horrible, tragic, awful, embarrassing, humiliating, shameful, kids who know that who know the facts and figures and the people, and the story where they come from, will have more resilience to handle difficult situations and circumstances and setbacks in their life as adults. A lot of families don't know that. A lot of families don't operate that way. But the research has shown that if kids know where they come from, and are told that over time, throughout their childhood, throughout their lives, this is where you come from, this is what happened to grandpa Bob, this is this is where your uncle went off the rails. This is where our family's from, our culture, heritage or our cultural artifacts, the places the plotlines like, so. A key piece of a kid coming from a family is knowing where they come from. Now, let's get into the real bulk of this. Kids need friends. And we've covered this in so many different conversations. But kids need friends, particularly teenagers shift from the tribe and the nest and the safety of their family. And they start looking to find that that same safety and belonging and acceptance in a group of peers, friends. It is true and has always been true. And it's true for your kids. So they need to have friends. Friends matter more probably than we realize or imagine peer acceptance, peer support. So what can we do? It's helpful to understand I think, from a big picture, what kinds of friends do they need. And this is something that I think you can most importantly, model and demonstrate this. And you can also share these kinds of phrases and ideas to your kids over time. You can't manufacture or manage or control their friendships. But you can have a strong influence, whether they're five, you can plan playdates, or they're 15, you can still influence how they view their friendships and consider them. Three kinds of friends that every kid needs. First one is what I would call a ride-or-die buddy. This is somebody that they can count on to always be there, to show up. Doesn't have to be their. Honestly, their favorite person in the world, doesn't have to be a best best friend that we see on Disney shows. Boy Meets World Corey and whatever his name was, Sean, it doesn't have to be like that. But somebody that they can just anticipate and expect and count on that if there's a social event coming up at dance, a football game like you got somebody to go with. If it's lunchtime, you got somebody to sit with. If you're going on a field trip, you got someone to sit next to. It's it's a home base. And why does a kid need that? Well they need to, they need to have somebody that they can navigate and find kind of safety in the social settings. with somebody else. It's really hard to stand alone. It's a lot better to stand with somebody else. They need somebody that they can count on. And that could be on their initiative. It could also be in the other kid's initiative. But I want to, you know, for me, I want to show my kids how normal that is. That whenever I need help. I don't know, a ride to the airport, moving something around the house, that there are people that I can count on and they can count on me to always be there. That's the first one. Second one would be a truth teller. Every kid needs a friend who tells them the truth. Now we probably as parents, or as educators tell them the truth. But they need a friend who will look them in the eye and say Dude, what are you doing? He's not right for you. She's not worth it. Like those kinds of things. For me. It's been a I've had a number of them. But one that goes way back is my friend Nick, who's always even since we were in high school been a truth teller to me now he's incredibly encouraging, incredibly supportive. But he's also over the years been, he's said things like, why do you say it like that, it's just you don't need to say it like that. You don't need to kind of lose yourself over that girl. He's just been able to reflect back the truth about who I am. And not always critical truth. But oftentimes, he'll say things like, I just see you going places. I see you being successful someday. He tells me the truth. Third one would be a confidante, somebody that you can share with and they can share with you. They need to have somewhere else to go besides their family, besides their parents to open up and share their heart, their concerns, their disappointments, their frustrations as someone that will listen without judgment. So those so a ride-or-die buddy, a truth teller and a confidante are the kinds of friends that every kid needs. Now you can have more than that kid can have more than that. Awesome. A kid can also find that in maybe one person, I think that is what we see reflected often in these like Disney shows, is one person is is with you all the time, constant companion tells you the truth, and it's always there to support you. But likely, it's going to come from a mixture of more than one person, multiple people. And, and I again, I want to model this for my kids, I want them to know a lot of times my kids don't see the friendships that I have, because it's on the phone. It's me going somewhere to go meet a friend. But I intentionally more and more of the last few years, inviting those friends to our house or taking my kids with me to hang out with them and their families. Because I want them to see and then on the way home or after they're here. I will basically say the reason I love Dave The reason I love Caleb, the reason I love Nick, the reason I love Charlie, John, Darrell, these guys that that my kids know as kind of like fake uncles is because this is what they are to me. They tell me the truth. I'll tell them stories about conversations I've had with these friends over the years. So that's a friend part. The last thing I'll say. And I've, if you've heard me speak before, yo u probably heard me say this. A lot of kids over the last 20 years have asked will share that they don't think their dads have any friends. And that's a major problem. So if you're, if you're a dad, listen to this. If you know a dad, and then you're like, yeah, that kind of hits close to home. You know, work on that. Reach out. Your kids will model what you share with them, they will replicate they will become what they see in you chances are They can grow beyond you, but chances are they'll do what you do. They'll follow in your footsteps in these kind of life ways. So get some friends. Second part of this would be advisors, adults, every kid needs to have adult support, advisor support in their life. The best math, the best research I've seen is that every kid needs five adults involved and invested in their lives to have a conversation with an ongoing relationship with not just adults that a kid knows as like far away role models, or adults that have kids that the kid likes it most kids, most parents would say, Yeah, my kid likes that teacher, they had a really great coach. But I want to get a little bit more specific on that. Do they have conversations? Is there a relationship there? Are those adults investing in your kid? So what kind of advisors what kind of adults does every kid needs three, and they need five of them, but the three kinds categories of adults that they need, and this could be you as parents, if you're a parent, but chances are especially for a teenager who's looking beyond the family, chances are a big chunk of those five adults that every kid needs, needs to come outside the family. Teachers, coaches, neighbors, family, friends, aunts and uncles, youth pastors, tutors, student organization advisors. These there are adults and when what do you what does a kid need from adults. They need wise counsel. Give me advice. Affirmation, helped me see who I am, and am capable of, the best version of myself. Like for instance, I can see the potential of my friend's kids, probably clearer than they can oftentimes, especially for teenagers. I can look at a kid who's 16, 17. And the parents are just beating their heads against the wall in annoyance and frustration with this kid, but I can have interaction with them, be like- they're awesome. Like they're capable. They're confident, they're engaging, they're interested. They're awesome. And I can be the voice of affirmation to another kid. I
see this in you... I can imagine you... One thing I appreciate... One thing I'd like about you... those kinds of sentence starters. And then the third one would be sponsorship. Sponsorship means open doors for somebody, introduce them, get them a job, vouch for them, write a letter of recommendation. Every kid needs these things- wise counsel, affirmation and sponsorship from adults. I think the best way to get this for your kids is to start doing these things for your friends, kids. Become the kind of person who does this who engages. I think we all probably myself included interact with kids, and teenagers, but on a very kind of surface level. How's it going? How are your classes? How school? How's baseball? What are you doing this summer? That's cool, but not what they need. They need the next layer. What do you what are you interested in? What are you excited about? What's what big decisions do you have on your plate right now? How is that how's this particular thing going? It's showing genuine interest, being curious, reflecting mirroring back what you hear and see. That's what kids need. So super short, quick, every kid needs life support. Relationships, from family, from friends, and from other adults. And I think we can be intentional to to help them cultivate and craft those relationships that they need. So we'll back next week with another episode of the YouSchool podcast. Hey, thanks for joining in on The YouSchool podcast. We'd love to share with you the resources available on our website at theyouschool.com. Not just articles, ebooks, worksheets and other podcast episodes. But specifically you should know about a free course we have available called The Real Me course. It's digital, it's interactive, and it will guide you to get clear about who you are in the great story you could tell with your life. So go register for a free account and get started on The Real Me course today at theyouschool.com. That's the you school dot com.
