Scott Schimmel 0:00
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of The YouSchool podcast. I am Scott Schimmel. And if you work with kids or have kids, you understand that there is no straight line, there's no straight line to kids growing up. In fact, it's a series of ups and downs, its peaks and valleys. Its breakthrough and insight and maturity. And then one second, the next second, it's where is this kid ever going to get what they need to grow up and take ownership of their lives? We know that it can sometimes happen within an hour that we're so impressed by their capacity and who they are, and the next second, we're looking at them, and their phone on the floor having a fit. What is that all about? That's what we're going to discuss today, we're going to talk about the critical shifts that every single kid needs to go through, in order to transition well to adulthood. Now,
there's actually pretty fantastic research from I'm gonna use this word, this this name, it's going to be you're you're going to recognize it. Freud, now not Sigmund Freud, but Sigmund apparently had a daughter named Anna, Anna Freud was the kind of foremost first pioneer studying adolescent formation, particularly identity formation. And she categorized these significant I call them "critical shifts" that every kid has to go through, in order to make it to adulthood well, and there's these big ones, and when I, I'm not gonna name all of them, but just name a few, you're gonna recognize that you can see that in your own story in your own life, in memories of growing up, and certainly, what your kid is probably going through. And the reason I've been so interested in this presenting this, in this episode too, is it's actually helpful to reflect and name, the shift that your kid is experiencing and going through. Because every kid needs different things from the adults in their life. And oftentimes, those, the settings can change from one minute to the next. So being more familiar with the shifts, even just recognizing them as a general concept, I think can be very valuable, certainly valuable for me. So that I don't get lost or stuck in a moment in a in a discussion or an argument where things are spiraling. And I don't quite understand the bigger shift that my kid's going through. So to be equipped with this, to understand it, to be able to walk our kids through is really helpful. There's a bunch of them kids need to shift from and this is primarily away from their you parents, the adults to their own. So very simply autonomy from someone else managing their lives. And the shift would be that they need to manage their own life. And they need to match that autonomy, that freedom with responsibility. That makes sense. So when you are in a conflict moment with a kid, you might recognize what they're actually, what the shift is, what they're battling through is, is yearning and trying to get autonomy, which is control, which is a very healthy thing to do. Other shifts- emotional regulation, little kids don't do well regulating their emotions. Adults should, and need to need to learn that. So how do you learn emotional regulation, you learn it by seeing it modeled for you, you also learn it by becoming more self-aware. And oftentimes, in those in the in the shifting season, teenage years, the emotions are high for many reasons. And they need to learn how to be reflective and see what's happening on the inside and how that's coming across to others. There's other shifts too. Shifting from one tribe to the next finding their own sense of belonging. Shifting from into the romantic world, essentially, it's there's this is what Anna Freud talks about, in her research, shifting to explore love and match making. And that is a significant shift, and it happens over years and years and years. And really, it's about belonging, and acceptance, caring for yourself, owning your own future, depending on the adults to take care of your future and the choices to you didn't care of the choices. Just think about middle school in high school. It's all these shifts. So we see the teenage years are this whole experience of being on the way to adulthood. And if we see these shifts as the necessary ones, we understand what success looks like, that all these shifts need to happen. Not right right away. But we can see the teenage years as a training ground. What I've known learned in this is through research and my own experience. When a kid, rarely does a kid understand the shift that they're in, and to have an adult, particularly parent come alongside them and just help interpret almost like a narrator voice. And just talk about what's happening, it seems like with you, is that you're looking for more control, or you're learning that taking care of yourself making healthy choices, is your responsibility, not someone else's. That's, you need to, to present back to the kid, what the shift is that they're going through, you can help them understand to them what success looks like, what's the point of all this. You need to come up with your own worldview. You need to manage and take care of yourself. You need to own your own future. You need to explore the romantic world. These are all things that I'm going to be here to support you through. But shifting is not easy. Transitioning, changing is not easy. It always brings up an element of danger, risk, feeling out of control, feeling vulnerable. And rarely when we're in a situation like that, when we're feeling under threat, or disoriented do we make clear, wise decisions. That's why understanding these shifts can be so helpful, both for us as well as our kids. So I'll have a link to some of this research in the show notes. That's the thought for this episode. And the question I'm trying to make a normal part of my conversation is what shift is my kid going through in this moment? Or in this season? And how can I help them- not remove responsibility from them, or short circuit that, but be with them, and give them the support that they need? We'll be back next week with another episode of The YouSchool podcast. Hey, thanks for joining in on The YouSchool podcast, we'd love to share with you the resources available on our website at theyouschool.com. Not just articles, ebooks, worksheets and other podcast episodes. But specifically you should know about a free course we have available called The Real Me course. It's digital, it's interactive, and it will guide you to get clear about who you are in the great story you could tell with your life. So go register for a free account and get started on The Real Me course today at theyouschool.com. That's the you school dot com.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai