Scott Schimmel (00:03.726)
There was a recent article in the Wall Street Journal called Stop Constantly Asking Kids How They Feel. The author Abigail Schreier, it's an essay that she's pulling from a new book that she wrote called Bad Therapy, Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up. Her main kind of premise in this article is one, you know, the title, Stop Constantly Asking Kids How They Feel, but her main premise is the more you ask your kids how they
feel about a specific situation or moment, the more you pay attention and promote attention on your current state of your emotions, the less likely they are to be happy. In fact, the quote is studies have consistently shown that the more adults value happiness, the less happy they tend to be. It's one of the reasons I think implicitly why parents I would ascribe to this as well. Don't ask kids, how are you feeling right now?
How did you feel about school? Are you happy? The more you kind of promote and value prioritize your current feelings, the less promoted are other things like satisfaction, fulfillment, hard work, learning how to sit through boredom, learning how to do something you don't want to do for the sake of someone else. Like it's there is kind of a zero sum game between the two of those.
So she goes on to talk about that. I'm of course making all these like career and future connections to the point that she's making. And so I just want to share a few things that I think could help you if you're a student, if you're a kid trying to explore your future and your career, or especially if you're a parent or educator and you take on the responsibility of guiding young people.
to consider their careers. Now there's of course this idea that you wanna do something that makes you happy and happiness, being happy is part of life. I've informally pulled hundreds if not thousands of teenagers, high school and college students over many, many years, how many of you are clear about what your parents expect from you relating to your future career? And in my experience it's been a quarter to a third.
Scott Schimmel (02:24.174)
There is some clarity whether or not it was specifically you're going to be, you know, doctor, lawyer, engineer or whatever. But there's there's clarity there. About a quarter, a third. The others, all the rest, all the rest. So two thirds to three quarters. What are your parents want for you for your future? They all you can almost have them sing it out loud in unison, not knowing what the other kid next to them is going to say. They will all say the same thing. Their parents will say, we don't care what you do as long as it.
makes you happy. So I've been ruminating. I've been thinking about this idea of happiness and career and does it make you happy? Are you happy? Do you feel good about so? Let me let me say this number number one happiness is a poor indicator that you on the right path. It's a poor indicator. And you're setting yourself up for almost continuous disorientation. Am I on the right path? Am I on? I don't.
feel? How do I feel? How do I feel? You become paranoid about your feelings being the primary indication that you're doing things well, that you're on the right path. In fact, how you feel at the particular moment might have little relevant value for understanding your direction. You could probably think of somebody who switched careers or jobs or companies multiple times searching for quote unquote the right fit. This doesn't feel right. Feelings as it relates to your career. It's it's a poor indicator. There's a
In fact, I would say what you would prioritize or put preferential weight on over how you feel, especially if you feel happy. First one would be values, rather than asking yourself if you're happy and the path that you're on. And for students, that would be working hard in school, working in your major, having an internship, working at a job that's...
minimum wage, slightly more than minimum wage, does it make you happy? Rather, does it express a value of yours, something that you truly find important? Building a resume, earning money, learning a skill, building a network, these are other kinds of values serving a cause, contributing to, and we'll get into that in a sec. If you have,
Scott Schimmel (04:47.508)
understood and clarified your values, which you have to, you should, you must, if you're going to make clear, wise choices about your future, then use your values as a better diagnostic, a better mirror to see if you're on the right path. Second, satisfaction ought to be valued and put preferential weight over happiness and how you feel. Satisfaction comes from working hard to learn something new. Satisfaction comes from
The other side of being in that humble, sometimes terrible place and season where you're learning something, you're learning something new, a new skill, a new organization, a new culture, and you're constantly feeling kind of stressed. You don't feel like you're adding any value. It's challenging, it's taxing, and yet,
At some point you start figuring it out. You start getting it. Other people affirm, yeah, you are getting it. You are contributing. And all of a sudden you start feeling deep satisfaction, pride in being someone who has competence. Competence is a tremendous boost to, yeah, your emotional state, but especially your esteem, your self -esteem, how you feel about yourself.
So satisfaction is more important than how you feel. If we checked in and used feelings and you're getting to know something or learning something that's uncomfortable, we might give the wrong advice. We might give the wrong feedback. We might be misleading. Oh, if this doesn't feel right, then it shouldn't be good. I mean, all learning new things should be fun all the time. No, it shouldn't. Being the new guy, being the new gal, be the new person, there might be a little thrill to it, but it's...
stressful. Finally...
Scott Schimmel (06:46.734)
prioritize making a
Scott Schimmel (06:51.406)
there's other other episodes.
certainly a ton of research that says that people that contribute to a cause that puts other people's interests and life and welfare and livelihood ahead of yours. They feel better about their careers and their lives. So in this very paradoxical world, if you want to pursue happiness, contribute to someone else, sacrifice, serve, surrender, give up.
Work hard, get your hands dirty, carry in things for someone else, do the job that nobody else wants, contribute to a cause that's bigger than yourself. And you will say, not only do you feel satisfied, not only are you prioritizing your values, but you're also contributing, you're making a difference. And making a difference is a better feeling in the long run than did you like today? Was it fun? Did it feel good?
Did it make you happy? Satisfaction has a longer shelf life. Contributing to something else is something that you could really stand on. Prioritizing your values over how it makes you feel. These are better diagnostics. These are better indicators, a better directional compass, if you will, that you're on the right path doing something that's meaningful, fulfilling with your life. So, totally agree with the, with.
Gil Schreier in this particular essay and article. I encourage you to read it. If you got a subscription, you might be free that article. Stop constantly asking your kids how they feel. Instead, ask other set of questions that can lead them to better info about themselves. That's true wisdom.
