Scott Schimmel (00:02.958)
A really large percentage of young adults feel like they only matter, they're only loved if they can perform at a high level, whether it's academically or ultimately their career. How do you parent so that that's not the message that they get? Because the research has shown that the kids who feel like a lot of pressure is put on them, a lot of expectations around their grades, around their GPA, around their test scores, their college acceptances, not just from their parents, but around their peers.
are gonna experience way more mental health challenges and way less of the good stuff. Life satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, gratitude, et cetera. My name is Scott Schimel. I run the U School and for the past two decades, I've been working with this population of young adults, helping them transition to a confident, clear, healthy adulthood. And we particularly support parents on that journey. If you were to ask me when I was 17, my son's age,
my ultimate goals for life, I would have said two things. I want to eventually coach Little League and be able to afford a country club membership. Those are my two loves, coaching youth sports and playing golf at really elite places. And so my expression of that, my path to get there was to go into finance. It was the family business. It's the message that I got that that's what good people do. It's what responsible, respectable people do. And it will certainly yield the country club lifestyle.
But I had this whole implosion of my identity and who I was. That's another story for another time. Watch other episodes. But what I ultimately ended up doing was not going into finance and instead trying to design a life where I could be invested in my kids' lives to the degree, in many ways, what I always longed for. Now, the research has been showing that, again, kids who feel this sense of pressure to perform academically will maybe, ironically,
do better in school, perform at a higher level, but they'll learn less. Same thing for employees. Employees who feel a lot of external pressure to meet the goals, meet the deadlines, hit the quarterly results, try to get to the bonus structure, they will work longer hours and likely produce more, but they will be much more likely to experience burnout.
Scott Schimmel (02:26.094)
lower job satisfaction and ultimately retention issues because they're not going to be able to last long enough. So when you as a parent, when you think about how to properly walk alongside your kids so that they are motivated for the right things, how do you do it? Do your kids and from their experience, do they receive more questions from you at the end of the day, at the end of the quarter or the semester about their grades?
or about who they are as people. Now you might feel like, oh gosh, all I care about is them and who they are. But you have to ultimately say, how was the test? How did it go? Whoa, what's with this B minus? That's because you carry the kind of meta picture inside your pocket all the time. Their lifelong success, their college acceptance, their ability to get a good paying job. And it comes kind of zeroing in on this moment where you realize they're not.
studying for their midterm tomorrow? This makes no sense. And from the kid perspective, what they're experiencing likely from you is that it feels like the only thing they care about for me is if I perform well. And it's not just academics. It's also around sports. We're raising our kids in a culture where elite hyper -specific sports is really normal and common. And at the end of the game, on the way home in the car,
What do you talk about? Do you talk about how it seemed like you were having fun doing the cheers and eating sunflower seeds in the dugout? Or do you talk about that first pitch that they didn't swing at? Performance. What I've learned is at the end of the school day, even though there was a test that day, that the first thing coming out of my mouth from their perspective better not be, how'd you do? How did the test go?
Did you get your results back as though I am so anxious on their behalf that if it didn't go well, somehow I'm not going to be okay, which means they're not going to be okay. Rather the first question out of my mouth, probably nothing because they don't want to talk. But secondly, it would be this. What do you have for lunch today? Who do you sit with? Did you guys talk about anything interesting? Is there any drama going on with your friend group? Did anything out of the ordinary happen at school today? And then eventually,
Scott Schimmel (04:53.486)
Oh, by the way, I remember you have this math test. How did that go for you? Did you feel confident? Did you feel like you could really focus and stay engaged? And at the end of that is, by the way, how'd you do? What I'm not suggesting is that we would take our foot off the pressure of expectations, but that we'd put the pedal to the metal for getting to know who our kids are coming alongside them and showing them that they matter and that they have value.
regardless of how they perform, which is tricky because we feel a high level of responsibility for who they are and how they perform. Their success metrics are tied to our success metrics. Or are they? Chances are if you're watching this, listening to this, you're the kind of person who cares about intrinsic values, things like compassion, kindness, service, being a good human, becoming a better version of yourself.
being a great citizen, all these kinds of, becoming a kind of a peak performer at whatever task you're performing, personal development, mental wellness, caring for the poor. Those are all expressions of intrinsic values. And how do you include those things that you care about so that what's imparted to your kids,
has an equal balance of, yeah, you gotta study for your math test because it is important, because it demonstrates later on that you have what it takes to hold down a steady job and learn complex skills under a lot of pressure. And it's also a responsibility now. You wanna be faithful to steward the expectations and responsibilities you have for the time being, but also include, by the way, the things that we care about in our family are these things. Here's my tip for myself.
to talk about those values, those intrinsic things, and not to wait for them to ask questions. Hey, mom, hey, dad, how would you define a successful life? How would you define what it means to live well? They're not going to ask you that. You don't need to wait for permission. You don't need to wait for it. At the end of the day, if you happen to be around the dinner table to talk about your values. You know, the thing I appreciate the most about work today is that it helps me
Scott Schimmel (07:15.534)
It gives me the context, it gives me the opportunity to come alongside other people and help them grow to their fullest potential. That is ultimately why I am there because I like to be a leader, a manager who serves and develops others. And it's also cool that they pay me so that we can pay for this house and provide all the resources for you to play lacrosse or you to participate in cheer or us to have some savings for college. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. They don't...
They're not gonna ask you that, but it's our responsibility. It's our opportunity to share that with them. And secondly, to celebrate the intrinsics more often. So the first one is to talk about my intrinsic values. The second one is to celebrate and highlight the intrinsics more often. When I was driving you in the car the other day to your practice, I was listening in a little bit to the conversation you were having with your friend. I just, it makes me realize like,
You ask really good questions. You're a really good kind of friend in that way. And that's one of my favorite things about friends. I saw you being so diligent to study for this test that you had. And one of the things I'm noticing in you is this kind of characteristics, this quality of diligence and discipline. There's such a fantastic thing about you. Oh, I noticed that when it didn't go your way that you...
navigated through a really complex thing to find an alternative pathway to get what you wanted. That is such a great quality for you are. In other words, what we're doing is mirroring back their intrinsic value, seeking ways not to just talk about their performance in a game or their competition or in a test or a quiz, but to be mirrors to say, I see who you are. And that is included in what I care about. You matter to me for these reasons.
not just what you perform, but especially who you are. It might just be a shift in how you ask questions when you see them at the end of the day, or you pick them up from school. It might just be that you take every opportunity on a Monday afternoon to talk about your day or on the dinner table to highlight the intrinsic priorities and values that you have through your work throughout the day. It doesn't have to be rocket science, but to be the ones.
Scott Schimmel (09:40.046)
early and often to help widen our definition of success of the good life so that our kids pick that up because I think primarily we are the ones who interpret that for them. All day long in the world they're being taught you're not good enough unless you won't ever be happy until look at your peers where they're getting into school. Look at how they're performing. Look at that kid who's younger than you that has X number of thousand followers and sponsorship deals.
on TikTok and Instagram, that's bizarre. All day long, they're getting messages of you're not enough unless you perform, unless you can compete, unless you can get accepted into these external validators of who you are. At home, we need to be the ones who are breaking down the walls of that and establishing beachheads of real value comes from being good humans. Love to hear your thoughts on this. We're fighting step by step to provide.
the tools for you to guide your kids to self -awareness and being competent and confident in who they are so they can march forward in this world and that we can all be proud of who they are.
