Scott Schimmel (00:00.202)
Every single parent wants their kids to be successful in life academically, of course, professionally, personally. The common ingredient, the common denominator of your kids success is their ability to connect with other people. And that doesn't mean to be liked per se. It doesn't mean to have this long list of followers on social media, but to be able to build a relationship.
establish trust, communicate and create healthy, meaningful relationships. Try to think of something more important to your kid's success than knowing how to build healthy relationships. I can't. Now this week's question might seem simple, but it might be one of the most practical life skills your kid will ever learn. The question is this, what do you do to connect with others? And it might be an unconscious thing, but I can guarantee that your kid can become more effective at it.
One of things I've learned as a parent is strong relationships don't happen by accident. They require intention and time. I think connection is a skill and it's built through not just practice, but modeling from us. In addition to self-awareness and making intentional choices. I want to establish that that's a picture of success for life, for my kids.
that learning how to connect with others in a really functional way to build healthy relationships is one of the critical parts of life. And here's what we know from research. This includes studies that we've done on the science of mattering, the self-determination theory, two things particularly. Number one, kids who feel connected and valued develop stronger confidence, have stronger mental health, and are more motivated. Relatedness, a fancy word for a sense of real connection,
is one of the three core psychological needs that someone needs for healthy development in order to feel like life is going well. But here's the catch, in today's digital world, kids spend less time face to face, having real connection. They spend more time scrolling, comparing, less face to face time. I'm sure you spent more time as a teenager with peers than your kids do. Unless they're playing for competitive sports, which in that case, there is still relationships happening, but
Scott Schimmel (02:22.478)
there's still opportunity to grow in connection. I just saw a recent statistic that the average 15 between the ages of 15 and 25 years old today, if you're 25 today, the last 10 years, you will spend around 5000 fewer hours face to face time with peers than you did. You and I did back in the day, a previous generation. It's 5000 fewer hours. It's an hour or so a day over the course of 10 years.
that your kid will spend less time learning how to establish relationships. Now, even if you spend those hours, can, I'm sure you can think of many people who are adults who don't know how to build healthy relationships. And if our kids don't learn how to connect, I think the stakes are high. Loneliness, shallow friendships, difficulty handling conflict, struggles at work, in marriage, in leadership. Connection is truly the backbone of everything.
especially a thriving life, which is what we want for our kids. Kids who never practice how to connect, they will drift towards isolation or perhaps becoming like shapeshifters, wallflowers, people pleasers, doing anything to feel liked but never really feeling known. Maybe when they face a problem, they don't know how to ask for help. When they feel secure, they withdraw or they kind of show up to perform.
Maybe they build walls instead of bridges. They don't know how to handle conflict. They don't know how to navigate relationships. They don't know how to network. They don't know how to establish teamwork. They don't know how to share things personally. They don't know how to support others. In other words, they miss out on what makes life rich, which are belonging, trust, community. So what does connecting well actually look like? It's simple, but it starts with this learning how to
Harness curiosity to ask good questions and actually listen. These are communication skills. I mean Basics like remembering people's names and details about what they shared acknowledging people's presence How many times have I walked by a school bus stop in our neighborhood in the morning to see a half dozen or a dozen kids? Not interacting these are teenagers not interacting how many times?
Scott Schimmel (04:43.554)
Does a kid sit down in class and not even acknowledge the person next to them exists? How many times they walk in and out of class and never say hi to their teacher? How many times do they go to their first job and just kind of fumble or stumble to have any sort of connection with customers coming in or coworkers? This happens all the time. So these kind of bare bones relationships, it's not happening in school. They might get it at work, I hope, which is one of the values of working.
But they're small skills that we can model and we can learn. And sometimes this includes us giving them feedback. So let's talk about three specific ways to be intentional to help our kids learn how to build the skills they need to have to build this most important life pillar. Number one, talk about it. Ask your kid these questions. What do you do to connect with people? Like I've seen you in these scenarios, you can ask, give them a specific example. So what are you doing? Like what's the intentional thought that you have behind
you asking questions or sharing a story or telling a joke or talking about things that matter to you. What do you do when you want to to know someone better? So it's about opening the conversation. It's not a lecture, just getting curious about their thoughts on it, which will plant seeds of them to be more reflective. Second, I already mentioned this, modeling it for yourself, for them to see. So that includes inviting people over to your house. It includes allowing your kids to listen to your phone calls.
It means you're intentional, even at the doctor's office, even at the grocery store to engage with others, even if they cringe or they think it's annoying. You are establishing for them a vision of what life done well looks like. Reaching out to people, having conversations, engaging, asking thoughtful questions, checking in on people. And then finally, practice together. Sometimes it's helpful.
to know that one of your kids or all your kids don't do well in social settings. So you can practice that. Hey, grandma and grandpa are coming and so-and-so is coming over. We're having neighbors. What I would love for you to do is this next time. So what's, I want you to think, what's a question you can ask? What are you gonna share when they say how's school going? That's more than one sentence.
Scott Schimmel (07:05.63)
When your grandparents come, what are two stories that you can share because they want to get to know your life? And then afterwards debrief with them. So what did you learn about them? What did you learn about yourself? What was difficult? What was a little bit maybe awkward or uncomfortable? And what did you do well? I think if your kid can learn one thing that will set them up well for life, that includes their academic, their professional success, not to mention their life, meaning is connection. So question.
for this week is this, what do you do to connect with others? I want them to have a big arsenal for that. I want to have as many tools as possible because it matters so much.
