Vector Accelerator (00:08)
So your kid is responsible to figure out what to do with their own lives. And obviously that's no small feat. I think especially in today's world, which is filled with constant social media distractions telling you what to want, what to care about and develop a life that is based on an illusion. That's a huge distraction. Another one is this massive disruption in the job market, the artificial intelligence, AI is taking the jobs, the jobs that
exist today will not exist in two, three, four, five years from now. And on top of that, think kids are growing up today. I'm talking about teenagers growing up in a hyper competitive college admissions world that forces you early on to be excellent at everything, which is antithetical to the way life works, which is we're only wired one certain way and you don't you shouldn't and can't be good at everything. So all of that.
is like, I'd call that the upstream sort of impact on your kid trying to figure what to do with their lives. They're being pushed prodded and distracted nonstop. And along the way, they're supposed to make these choices, choices about what college to go to and major to choose. And then ultimately what career path they're supposed to take. And that's all that stuff is looming. It's really, really difficult. They know they have to pick something that's going to have like, at the very least financial
security, success, and then you add on to that, like it ought to be respectable as well. And then on top of that, it should also make them happy. So that's no small feat. I hope you can sense why we have these episodes as I just lay out the context. And that's why in this series, we're walking through with YouSchool helping you, the parent, the mentor, the coach, the teacher, the adult who cares about a kid.
have everything that you need to in terms of understanding and then doing with the kid, because at some point they're going to turn to you. And it's not all the time, but they're going to turn to you and say, what do think I should do? I want you to be able to nail that conversation. And I wish there was just like a simple assessment. We just got to go to this website, take a test, and it'll tell you what to do. And the fact is that that exists. And yet it doesn't solve this human dilemma of all of these complexities that are at odds with clarity.
And we don't need to teach our kids just to throw a dart at a career path. Like just pick something. We don't have to tell them it's all going to work out eventually because that's the worst advice ever. We also don't need to tell them go where the jobs are because we don't know or pick what's like the highest paying field. It might not exist in four years, but we can turn to psychological research, which has been validated over many decades.
and trust the people that dedicate their lives to exploring patterns of wellbeing across time, context, and culture. And these patterns provide not just clues to pay attention to, but also pathways to follow so that you can actually give your kid a solid look in the eye and say, trust me, I know how to help you go from overwhelm and confusion to clarity. I want to talk about the self-determination theory.
something that I've been studying for years now. It's really the research that's behind the you part of you school. And self-determination theory focuses on generally human motivation and personality, how we're all wired, why we do the things that we do and what ultimately leads to more well-being and thriving. And these folks have covered, uncovered really patterns of how humans are wired.
They're the ones who really popularized the concept of intrinsic motivation, which is what we're going to dig into in this. Those are obviously the pursuits that are different than extrinsic. Extrinsic would be, I'm pursuing this because I feel like I'm supposed to, I have to, or it'll get me something tangible, get me more money, more respect. Those are extrinsic pursuits. Intrinsic are the things that we do because we almost can't help it. It just flows from an inner source inside of us.
curiosity, pull, drive, interest. And what they want to help us see, I believe in the self-determination theory, is that intrinsic motivation, the things that you're drawn to, wins every single time against something that you feel like you're supposed to do. Whether that's because people are making you or because you feel like internally, I just have to be a good person and to be respected or whatever. And this is where the research gets super interesting. If your kid...
has one of the ingredients of the path that they choose that one of those ingredients or all the ingredients are extrinsic reasons, controlled reasons. I feel like I'm supposed to. Two big problems will happen. Number one, they will literally run out of gas. They will not be able to persist very hard for very long. You can fear other extrinsic things. Survival that that can motivate you.
in the short run for sure anxiety, stress, but it doesn't last. And in order for your kid to be successful, it requires persistence. It requires, because there's going to be roadblocks, barriers, there's going to be heavy currents against them, no matter what they choose, education, business, whatever, there's going to be hard things. And if they don't have the inner drive, the inner engine, they'll run out of gas, they'll run out of interest, they'll run out of
The thing that they need to push through the hard things. That's the first part. That's the first problem. The second part is let's say they can persist at least enough to be successful, at least enough to get the extrinsic rewards, money, degree, respect. They get that. It won't feel satisfying to them. And I've never met a parent who doesn't care about two things, success and happiness. Of course, health is fundamental. Health is the number one.
Safety and health that's number one. But right up to that. What do you want for your kids every single parent? We've ever talked to you over last over a dozen years have said ultimately what I want is my kids to be happy and successful and if your kid has extrinsic reasons for Choosing what they choose with their career path you Now you're just I think it's actually crazy. I think it's to assume that that's gonna work And so what do we want to do is help our kid tap into their intrinsic?
Motivation and unfortunately again, this isn't that hard It's not complicated But I'd whisper a few people ever do it I remember years ago in a in a parent workshop a mom Was very upset with this notion and I was sharing with you right now Because what she stood up and shared and ended up getting so emotional as she was in tears she had two daughters she said it were teenagers and and
What she was trying to drill into them, she kind of confessed, was that they need to pick a career path that's going to be stable, financially secure. Because in her mind, you cannot or they should not depend upon someone else to take care of them. A husband is exactly what she said. She said, I don't want them to be starving artists whose husbands leave them and they're left to be out on the streets.
And she was so upset by that. What I heard inside there was fear, worry, anxiety, concern, care, safety and health, number one. And after that, I need them to be successful. If I'm going to choose, if I have to let go of one, I'm going to let go of the happiness so that they can least be successful. And I think most parents would fundamentally agree. Most, not all, but most parents would be like, yeah, yeah, if I had to choose one, I would want my kids to be self-sufficient.
and figure out the happiness stuff later, maybe retirement. Quite frankly, because most people aren't happy anyways. Is that even really, is that really even a pursuit that is possible?
But the problem is, it's a fallacy based on research. Because in order for your kid to actually meet the successful criteria that you have for them of self-sufficiency, they actually have to pursue something that makes them happy, makes them come alive. And so what I've learned through research is if you want your kids to be safe, secure, self-sufficient, successful, then you have to actually over-index, over-emphasize
what I think we would call the happiness part. And the happiness part is not what makes you happy, Chick-fil-A, in and out, watching movies, playing games, being on my phone, hanging out with my friends. Not that level of kind of, I don't know, very shallow happiness. What we're talking about is intrinsic draw, the things that they're drawn to. And the fortunate part is, number one, it works. Number two, it's easy to find. All you have to do is...
help your kid identify the patterns to the things that they've been drawn to in the past. And the best prompt for this, there's an article that goes alongside this. We have curriculum that connects with this and takes you really deep on it, is you wanna help your kid think about, recall, recollect, and then categorize stories from their past.
both in school, outside of school, with their social life, inside their family, inside the, maybe the sports they play, the activities they participate in, moments where they feel like they were accomplished, moments where they feel like, I'm proud of that. I accomplished something, I did something, that mattered to me. And it might be something they got an award for, or a great grade, or a prize for, a trophy for, but chances are for most kids we find, most people we find, it's not necessarily that stuff.
It's the time I helped friends resolve a conflict. It's a time when I saw a need in a family down the street and I went and tried to help them. It was the time when I gave a presentation and I kind of fudged the rules on the assignment because I wanted to share something I was really excited about. And
The actual process is you don't just look for one story and be like, aha, there it is. You take a look at many stories. The more the merrier, the more the better. Six, eight, 10, 12. We actually run this exercise specifically with hundreds of veterans every month. This very specific exercise to help them mine for meaning, look for meaning, sift through, sort through themes and patterns.
of the things that they are drawn to because it's in there. The clues are in there to figure out what is the thing. What are the things that you're drawn to? You can't help yourself. You're curious. You are wired that way. And there are tests for this. There's something called the SEMA. You can look it up, Google it, and you can go and take that task. And I highly encourage you. It's very, very helpful. I've done it. But you can also get a great head start towards clarity by mining your past for memories.
that made you feel proud and accomplished, looking beyond school, all areas of life, and helping them reflect on and see the threads, the themes that connect and start to develop in a language because that ultimately then becomes the most effective lens. So if you're a parent, an adult, a mentor, coach, teacher, and you're even sharing this with the kid, my encouragement to you kid is start taking notes, put it your phone. If you're a journaler, awesome, even better.
Writing actually helps physical writing, but start taking notes of stories. Let your mind be open for the next couple of weeks. Write down those stories and the more detail you write, what, what exactly did you do that contributed to that? What makes that memory fulfilling or satisfying? The more you think and reflect the clearer those patterns will emerge and those merged, those patterns will then become.
the coordinates for you to triangulate. How do I make a decision about my future? Given all the complexities of AI disrupting the jobs market, all the stuff that's going on and distractions of social media, maybe I should be an influencer and get paid for that. You're looking around at your friends, your community and think, wow, everyone goes into real estate or everyone goes into education or law. Like that's what good people do. That's distracting, disorienting. Instead, you can look back into your past, find
clues from your own hardwiring, which then become cordless ways for you to figure out which direction to go in. And you can go in that direction with a tremendous amount of confidence because if you pursue what you're intrinsically drawn to, you will persist and it will deeply satisfy you. You'll be successful and happy. That's how the whole thing works. That's what people do after they've
pursued extrinsic things. They finally start wondering in their 50s or 60s, hmm, wonder what I'm actually drawn to, not just what I grind through. And they start finding meaning and purpose. You don't need to wait until then. Research shows that people who pursue things intrinsically make more money. So pursue it. This is a part of a number of conversations to have around clarity for your future.
I want to help you guide your kid to their good life. So this part is looking at their intrinsic motivation patterns. What draws them? What are they driven towards? Find that you're off and running.
