Guiding Your Kids to THEIR Good Life: A Redemptive Perspective About Work

Sometimes, as parents, the clouds part and your kid sets you up for the moment you’ve been waiting for: a time where they actually want to listen to your advice. It happened to me not too long ago, and I totally fumbled the ball. I don’t want that for you, so I’m channeling my inner regret and turning it into a series of articles to help you guide your kids to THEIR good life—a skill that doesn’t come easily or naturally, and most of us missed out on when we needed it. 

Growing up, we absorb messages about work from our parents, family, and community. Before our kids even have their first jobs, which are often menial, minimum-wage rites of passage, they receive messages about an activity they’ll spend about a third of the rest of their lives engaged in. What they observe in us shapes their overall attitude, perspective, and stance towards work for the rest of their lives, and it’s often skewed negatively. Those messages come from a number of sources:

WORK PHRASES

Often, it’s in the simple, repeated phrases we hear before or after the work shifts, things like:

- “It’s called work for a reason!”

- “Time to go clock in for the man.”

- “Just counting down until the weekend.”

- Going off to the “rat race”, the “hamster wheel”, and the “daily grind”.

Usually, these phrases are just meant as conversation fillers—ways to make small talk, but they do reveal deeper beliefs we have about what work is all about. They reveal our true feelings and perspective—even if they don’t tell the whole story. 

Those phrases we say absentmindedly become seeds that can take root in our kids for a lifetime, just like our parents did for us. 

WORK CHARACTERS

We also learn about work when we listen to our parents retell their stories about the people they work with —the cast of names and nicknames we hear from colleagues and bosses, to clients and vendors. We absorb the commentary about those people —often their foolishness or contemptible behavior —that makes the day, at the very least, interesting to talk about. 

I can still recall my dad’s co-workers' names. I would halfheartedly listen as my mom peppered my dad with questions over dinner at the end of a long day. Eventually, I would meet those people, transforming their fictional status to real relationships. I was proud to stand up front at my dad’s retirement party after 43 years at the same company, and express my gratitude not just for the example my dad set for me about hard work, excellence, and integrity, but also to the women and men he worked with over those years, who could hardly imagine how much I knew about them.

Unless your parents did physical labor you could touch and feel, most kids can’t conceptualize the work their parents do in meetings or through emails. It’s the people who give work its shape, and how we talk about them impacts what our kids 

WORK FEELINGS & ATTITUDES

Both of my grandpas retired early. I always thought that was the goal until one day at a bagel shop, I overheard an old guy say to his friend, “Why would I ever retire? I absolutely love what I do” (It turns out he was a residential realtor).

If you call my mom in the afternoon- any afternoon, chances are she will volunteer a self-critique: “I’ve barely accomplished anything today. I’m just a lazy bones!” To her, good people are productive constantly. Anything that looks like leisure, rest, or contemplation is a Puritanical sin. She has an incessant drive to keep at it, even if there’s nothing urgent on her to-do list. So it took me a long time to not feel like “they” were watching me with judgment and condemnation every time I took a break or puttered around on a Saturday. In fact, I don’t think I took an honest day’s vacation until I was in my thirties. Intellectually, I understood that good people take breaks and critical thinking is more effective when you have quiet space to reflect, but it took a long time to really change what I felt. 

More than just what they say about work, parents shape a kid’s feelings and attitudes. They absorb our unconscious perspective, for better or worse. 

GUIDING OUR KIDS TO A REDEMPTIVE PERSPECTIVE ABOUT WORK

The question we need to help our kids wrestle with and come to their own, autonomous conclusion is this: What’s work for? What’s the point? What is it all about? I, for one, hope that my kids enjoy work. I hope they see it as more than just a necessary evil; that it can be more than just a way to provide for the better parts of life. I hope they see work as an opportunity to express their authentic selves, experience the joy that comes from perseverance and accomplishment, and make a difference in the world. I hope they come alive as they work, and look forward to it like they’re on an adventure. It might sound strange, but I hope they love it. 

Is that too much to wish for?

What do you hope your kids think about work? 

I had a wake-up call recently when I was talking with one of my kids about their thoughts on the future. I asked what kind of emotions came up for them when they thought or we spoke about work specifically. He commented, “I guess it does feel pretty stressful—I just want to find a job that kind of sucks the least, you know?”

I waited a few moments, unsure how to respond, until it hit me. I replied, “I’m not sure if you know this, but I absolutely love working. I go to work nine out of ten days and feel grateful and excited to be there.” Whatever message I had given about my attitude towards work over the years, he had no clue that it was positive. 

LIFE GUIDE SKILLS 

Here are three simple ways you can guide your kids toward a redemptive perspective about work that will set them up for greater success and fulfillment in their careers:

1. Be honest with them. Work is often challenging. There are people you work with who drive you nuts. You might have been overlooked for promotions, didn’t get a chance to get the education or skills you need, or suffered from competition. Let them know that. But look for ways to tell them about what you enjoy about your work, too. Tell them funny stories about the people you work with, and the ways your work makes a difference in people’s lives. Share with them what you’re grateful for, even in the challenging, frustrating meetings and interactions. 
2. Look for ways to expose them to your job. I can still remember going into my dad’s office a handful of times on weekends growing up. My sister and I would run to the copy room to make photocopies of our hands and other body parts. The place felt important, almost sacred. This is where my dad went all day—there were people there who respected him and admired him. He also took a lot of phone calls from clients on his gigantic car phone, and I got to listen in. 
3. Point to aspirational examples and role models. Maybe you don’t have an impressive career track record. Perhaps you fell into something that felt like settling, or do something you hardly enjoy out of the need to pay the bills. Even if you love what you do and feel proud of it, your kids still need to be exposed to other examples of people who love their work. So, who are the people you admire? Whether you know them personally or not, consider how you might introduce them to your kids, and make sure to tell them what you admire about them. 

CHOOSE YOUR WORK ADVENTURE

Let your kids know they have options for how they think about their work, both negative and positive. It’s up to them to decide, but whichever ones they choose will determine how they experience a significant part of their lives forever. No big deal, right?

Feel free to print the following perspectives out to share them with your kids so they get to reflect and choose:

• Work is something I just have to do; it is a necessary evil.

• Work is something I get to do —a gift that allows me to express my unique identity and perspective.

• Work is something that I try to get through as quickly and painlessly as possible. 

• Work is something that gets through to me; it’s a means to help me grow.

• Work enables me to live the rest of my life.

• Work is a constant stress—no one enjoys it.

• Work is my chance to make a difference in the world.

• Work is a way for me to create something meaningful.

• Work is my opportunity to provide for the people I care about.

• Working hard is something that I get to do.

• Work is challenging, but those challenges are good for me.

• Working hard is a chore I avoid doing at all costs. 

• Work is something I have to do so I can do what I want. 

• Work is awesome, I love getting to do what I do.

Your kid needs your help to figure out their best career path. They might figure it out on their own, but if you’re reading this, then I know you don’t want to leave that to chance. We’re going to get to the most relevant aspects of career planning soon, but first, foundationally, your kid needs help in unpacking and choosing a perspective about work that will set them up for success.