Guiding Your Kids to Their Intrinsic Drive

Your kid is responsible for figuring out what to do with their life. That’s no small feat, especially in today’s world filled with constant social media distractions, the unprecedented disruption of artificial intelligence, and the overemphasis on excellence in elite college admissions. Your kid is pushed, prodded, and distracted nonstop, and along the way, they have to choose a career path that has equal parts financial success and cultural respect. Oh, and it’s also supposed to make them happy.

That’s no small feat.

Which is why we’re working through the essential aspects of career and life discernment that you can provide and guide them through so that they neither waste time nor build a life they will regret later. We’re talking about clarity, and you, as the parent and mentor, guiding them to it.

Fortunately, we don’t need to teach our kids to close their eyes and throw a dart at a career path. Nor do we have to encourage them to trust that it will “all work out eventually” (that’s literally the worst advice ever). We also don’t need them to “go where the jobs are” or simply pick the highest-paying field. Rather, we can turn to psychological research and the people who dedicate their lives to exploring patterns of well-being across time, context, and culture, which provide not just clues to pay attention to but also pathways to follow.

The Self-Determination Theory is a broad framework that focuses on human motivation and personality, and has uncovered wisdom about how humans are wired. They’re the ones who’ve popularized the concept of intrinsic motivation—the pursuits we have that flow from an inner curiosity, pull, and interest. It’s contrasted, of course, with extrinsic motivation—the pursuits we have because we feel compelled to do so, either by external factors like pressure or internal ones like guilt.

Here’s where it gets relevant and very interesting as we think about guiding our kids to their best life: if they pursue a career field for extrinsic reasons, two major problems will arise. They will run out of gas, losing the persistence they’ll need to be successful and reach their potential. Also, it won’t be very satisfying to them on a de 1eper level, which has a feedback loop to happiness. In short, extrinsic career pursuits, such as earning the most money or the most respect and accolades, will severely limit their success and happiness.

We don’t want that. Neither do they.

So what are intrinsic career pursuits, and how do we ensure they don’t lead them to poverty? That’s the real question.

Years ago, in a parent workshop on identity formation, a mom of two teenage daughters came to tears as she shared her worry that they would choose majors and career paths that wouldn’t allow them to be self-sufficient, especially if they had deadbeat husbands. Her language, not mine. She didn’t want her daughters to explore their passions and interests because, to her, that would inevitably end up seeing them on the streets.

Her fears and worries are completely valid. Her logic, not so much, according to the Self-Determination Theory. It just doesn’t hold up. Pursuing something because you’re drawn to it means you will have the internal drive to keep going when it gets difficult. Because it’s not something you feel like you have to do, it’s something you want to do. People who are persistent, curious, and driven outperform those who aren’t in the long run. That’s a bet you can make.

So how do we help our kids identify their intrinsic motivation? Fortunately, that’s not too difficult.

You don’t have to wait to get zapped with your reason for existence or take a wild guess. It turns out that everyone has a unique pattern for what drives them, regardless of their work experience, and discovering it can give you the clarity you need to make wise, rational decisions about the path you take in life. You might not detect this pattern when you look at someone’s GPA, test scores, or give them an assessment of their aptitudes. But it’s there if you take the time to pay attention and reflect.

First developed in the 1950s, the concept of Motivational Patterns has become one of the most well-respected tools for getting clarity. The official assessment, which you can take online, is referred to as the “SIMA®, the System for Identifying Motivated Abilities®, is a narrative-based, ‘non-psychometric’ way of helping people understand their innate motivational patterns by revisiting their personal stories of achievement — stories about activities and times in their lives where they have felt great joy, success, and satisfaction.” In its early years, the SIMA assessment was adopted by the folks at NASA and has since been used (and validated) worldwide.

(FYI, we highly recommend paying the additional cost and taking the SIMA test online. It’s worth it. But, the exercise we’ll guide you through here is also quite robust and illuminating.)

What sets SIMA apart is its focus on your personal stories and experiences. Instead of just answering questions or ticking boxes, you get to reflect on real-life situations where you felt most engaged and accomplished. This approach provides a deeper understanding of your true capabilities and motivations.

In a nutshell, SIMA helps you unlock your potential by looking at your life experiences to reveal what drives you and what you excel at. It’s a powerful tool for anyone looking to understand themselves better and make informed choices about their future.

You don’t have to pay for the full test, either, although it’s worth it. You can get a great head start towards clarity by mining your past for memories that made you feel proud and accomplished. Looking beyond academics across all areas of your life will be helpful, too, since people often discover their motivation patterns in areas outside of school. The more stories, the better, and the more specificity about the particular ingredients that made you feel proud and accomplished, the more you will discover patterns.

Here’s how it works:

• Step One: Recall an accomplishment you’re proud of from your past.
• Step Two: Describe what you did to contribute to that accomplishment.
• Step Three: Write (and/or talk) about what makes that memory fulfilling and satisfying to you.
• Step Four: Recall a few more stories using the same three steps above, and search for themes and threads that connect. Asking two or three people you trust to help you could be a game-changer, too.

For parents and mentors, this can start with you sharing your own stories of accomplishment and pride. This isn’t about bragging; it’s about modeling purposeful introspection that can spark your kid’s own reflection.

When your kid comes to you for advice, letting them know that you have insight into their motivation patterns that can help them find the right direction can spark hope and confidence in their future. Then start walking them through this exercise—not all at once, but over time, and you can support by asking curious questions and taking copious notes.