Guiding Your Kids to Their Values & Priorities

As a parent, one of the hardest parts of raising a kid is watching them struggle with tough choices. Where to go to college. What to study. Which sport to stick with. Who to hang out with. How to respond when their values get tested.

You can’t make those decisions for them. You know that. But it doesn’t stop you from lying awake some nights, wondering if they’re heading in a direction that actually reflects who they are and what they care about most.

I’ve been there. I am there.

A few months ago, my daughter came to me with a decision that felt huge to her. She was considering running for a position in her school’s ASB. 

But she was stuck. Frozen, even.

And instead of giving her a clear, confident answer like I wanted to, I paused. Then I asked a question, one that I’ve learned the works better than advice:

“Why would you do it?”

It wasn’t a magic fix. But it shifted her perspective just enough. And it reminded me — and her — that the real challenge isn’t picking the right path. It’s knowing what matters most before the options show up.

That’s what this article is about.

Why Values Make Decisions Easier (And Better)

Here’s something we’ve learned after working with thousands of kids, families, and educators: kids want to make good decisions about their lives. They just don’t know how.

They’ve been taught how to study, how to follow rules, how to build a resume — but not how to identify what matters to them at a gut level.

And so, when they get to big crossroads — What college? What job? What sport? What friend group? — they’re stuck. They’re forced to guess or copy what someone else is doing. That’s when they start picking paths based on pressure, fear, or what looks good on paper.

But there’s a better way.

When a kid can name their top values — and truly own them — the big decisions start to get a little less overwhelming.

Instead of choosing between good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, they can ask:

• Does this line up with what matters to me?
  
  
• Will this help me live out my priorities?
  
  
• Does this make me feel more like myself — or less?

This doesn’t just make life easier. It makes life clearer.

And clarity is a gift every kid deserves.

The “What Matters Most” Exercise

Here’s a simple way to help a kid get clear on their values — before they hit another decision-making wall.

We’ve used this exact exercise in classrooms, youth groups, and one-on-one mentoring sessions. It’s not flashy, but it works.

And you can walk through it with your own kid at home.

Step 1: Set the Stage

Tell them, “We’re not figuring out your college plans or career path today. We’re figuring out what matters most to you — the stuff that makes you you.”

That takes the pressure off. You’re not asking them to make a life plan. You’re inviting them to get curious about who they are.

Step 2: Gut Check Values

Ask them to read through this list. (Print it. Circle it. Mark it up. Go old-school.)

Then say: “Check all the ones that feel right to you — don’t overthink it. Just go with your gut.”

• I want to do what I love
  
  
• I want to love who I work with
  
  
• Become my best
  
  
• Make things better
  
  
• Solve complex problems
  
  
• Create a new reality
  
  
• Speak truth to power
  
  
• Challenge conventional thinking
  
  
• Make others feel safe
  
  
• Bring out the best in others
  
  
• Build things
  
  
• Fix things
  
  
• Explore my curiosity
  
  
• Design things
  
  
• Restore things
  
  
• Inspire people
  
  
• Organize people
  
  
• Lead people
  
  
• Fight for what’s right
  
  
• Compete against the best
  
  
• Move things forward
  
  
• Meet challenges head on
  
  
• Become really good at something
  
  
• Have deep friendships
  
  
• Do what hasn’t been done before
  
  
• Explore new worlds
  
  
• Tell stories that move people
  
  
• Care for people who are hurting
  
  
• Create new products
  
  
• Discover truth
  
  
• Accumulate knowledge
  
  
• Win with others
  
  
• Confront evil
  
  
• Have the freedom to do what I want
  
  
• Master a craft
  
  
• Teach others
  
  

Remind them: “Don’t check what you think should matter to you. Check what actually pulls at you.”

That part’s important. We’re going for honest, not impressive.

Step 3: Narrow It Down

Once they’ve marked the ones that resonate, say:

“If you had to choose only three of them, which ones would you choose? The ones that feel most like you.”

This can take a while. That’s okay. Let them wrestle with it. Ask questions. Help them sort out which ones feel redundant. ("Is ‘create a new reality’ basically the same as ‘do what hasn’t been done before’ for you?”)

Once they’ve got a top few, say: “Now you have to rank them — most important to least important.”

Again: not easy. But very worth it.

Step 4: Look Back

Here’s where things get personal. Ask them:

“Can you think of a moment in your life when you really lived out each of these values? Something that made you feel alive or proud or deeply yourself?”

This is the heart of it. It helps them realize these values aren’t just random. They’re rooted in real-life experiences.

Maybe they remember a time they stood up for someone, or stayed up late fixing something that mattered, or led a team even though they were nervous.

Now those values are more than words. They’re theirs.

Step 5: Share It Out Loud

Encourage them to talk through it with someone they trust. It could be you. It could be a mentor, coach, or friend.

They can say something like:

“I’ve been doing this exercise to figure out what matters most to me. I want to make better choices about my future, and this helps me get clear. Can I share it with you?”

This takes courage. But when a kid says their values out loud, it reinforces their clarity — and invites others to support their growth.

Why This Works

This process might feel simple. But it’s backed by real research.

Psychologists call this “values clarification,” and it’s been shown to boost decision-making, autonomy, motivation, and long-term satisfaction.

Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan) tells us that autonomy — the sense that your choices come from you — is one of the most important drivers of healthy development.

And when kids start choosing based on their values, they build that autonomy from the inside out.

What I Learned From My Daughter

Back to my daughter and her choice between two good paths.

Once she walked through this exercise, she said something that I won’t forget for a while:

“One of my top values is helping people feel like they are wanted. When I came to this school, people really welcomed me and made me feel like I belonged. So I want to join the ASB and help do that for other kids, too.”

Decision made.

Not because I told her what to do. But because she got clear on what mattered most to her.

That’s what I want for every kid. Not perfect decisions. Not an airtight plan. But a strong internal compass to guide them forward.

And that starts with a simple question: “What’s most important to you?”

Want to Try This With a Kid You Care About?

Start by printing the values list. Ask the question. Walk through the steps. Don’t rush it.

 And if your kid’s open to it, ask them this tonight:

“Can I help you get clear on what matters most to you? I think it could make life feel a little less confusing.”

You might be surprised what opens up.